Maid on Netflix

Wow! I’ve just finished watching the first series of ‘Maid’ on Netflix and it really struck a cord.

Firstly the character knows she is being abused but can’t articulate it, because it’s emotional.

Secondly, she feels a fraud because there are others with far more brutal and overt abuse cases.

She finds joy in the tiniest of things and is living a half life when she has the capability and capacity to be extremely successful.

She has associated with the wrong people and trusted them, had parties with them but the most unlikely of people have saved her.

I want to shed light on emotional abuse:

Coercive Control

Coercive control is one of the most common types of abuse. Often victims experience abuse without being assaulted although not exclusively. Unfortunately for victims the media and police authorities have tended to focus on physical violence rather than looking at the emotional side of abuse as it’s easier to identify and deal with.

However, in the UK in 2015 a law was passed making coercive control unlawful.

There is still a long way to go in educating people and enforcing it is incredibly difficult due to the covert nature of the perpetrator. This law covers financial control and cyber control but unfortunately can’t detect the subtle covert silent surveillance that sometimes comes with narcissistic abuse.

Thousands of people a year commit suicide because of emotional abuse and education is greatly needed to help support those going through it.

Characteristics of an Abuser

Ultimately, coercive abuse is about the perpetrator’s need to have ultimate control over the victim. They create a world where they are at the centre. It’s all about their wants and needs and the victims are not considered. The victim lives in a constant cycle of walking on eggshells and then normality, never knowing or being able to second guess what the perpetrator will do next. In these relationships the abuser sets the rules around everything from finances to parenting children. There is rarely any regard for what is best for others, only what suits their own agenda.

Often abusers display the following characteristics:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance.

• Glibness and superficial charm.

• Manipulative and conning. They never recognise the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviours as permissible.

• Pathological lying.

• Lack of remorse, shame or guilt.

• Secretive.

• Shallow emotions.

• Incapacity for love.

• Need for stimulation.

In public the abuser may appear normal even charming and may use their charm or position to engage in social grooming.

Social grooming is luring people outside the relationship into believing their story, their lies and false persona thus isolating the victim.

Most victims are left feeling helpless and penniless and suicide attempts or total breakdowns are common, playing right into the hands of a perpetrator who is already claiming they are crazy.