Understanding narcissism

I’m currently reading a book called ‘Confessions of a narcissist’ by HG Tudor. The origins of this book are unknown and the author’s identity still remains shrouded in secrecy. Personally, I don’t care who wrote the book whether is was a self confessed narc or a therapist or as some forums would lead me to believe – a crazy cat lady.

The book has provided insight and got my mind working overtime.

I no longer care about my own past experience and my attention has shifted to understanding narcissistic behaviour. I’ve become a layman psychologist with real life experience.

I am intrigued and curious about the inner workings of a narcissist and having met several (in varying degrees) through online dating and work- I’m the self titled narc detector. That line in itself sounds narcissistic. I’m not, I have empathy and I care, deeply care about people.

My driver for understanding narcs is to support others, ensuring they don’t fall into the traps I have in the past.

I’m fascinated by their demeanor, their language patterns, their tactics and more importantly their emotional drivers.

Because underneath every massive narc ego is a little damaged boy and (sometimes girl, although they tend to be more on the histrionic scale),scared of being neglected or found out. They are empty shells of nothing. Strip away the ego and false self and the soul is hollow.

I don’t feel sorry for them, absolutely not! They are sophisticated robots, game players who set out to destroy, they can’t be re-trained because they don’t see it and they don’t want it.

Re-training is admitting there’s something wrong and that would lead to loss of control. No narc wants to lose control because that’s the very glue that keeps them stuck together. Besides, the tactics used have gotten them this far, people who don’t like it or don’t agree are discarded or worst still obliterated.

I am so fascinated by these characteristics that I sit back in awe. I feel I’m able to detect those people who are narcissistic and those who are not.

Malignant narcs tend to be intelligent game players who look down on normal people (non narcs) as mere mortals. A malignant narc will rarely lose their temper, they save that for those on the lower grade spectrum who they also look down upon.

Narcissism is not to be confused with setting boundaries and having pride. Many victims in the early stages of creating boundaries ask the question – ‘Am I narcissistic?’

The very fact that the question is asked should indicate they aren’t. A narc lacks insight and if they did, they wouldn’t care.

Many people gush about their achievements and seek attention, without harming others. That’s actually quite healthy behaviours.

Pure evil narcissistic behaviour is when seeking attention is at the expense of others and unfair tactics are used to gain power.

I’m able to re-call conversations with one ex partner that went something like ‘ their achievements aren’t at your expense’

Meaning there’s plenty of achievements to go around. It always baffled me because I never thought it was at my expense, I was happy to do well and happy when others did too. The seed he planted made me question my jealousy levels.

Looking back this was projection. He was jealous but projected that jealousy onto me. I rarely get jealous now, because I’m not competing with anyone.

No one is planting the seed. I only compete with myself.

I could spend all day analysing human behaviour and I’ve found solitary activity has allowed me to do this. Before, my life was so busy and chaotic I didn’t have time to sit and observe, now I can sit all day.

If you keep an ear out you can:

Hear it in the supermarket when couples are shopping- who’s calling the shots and how do they call the shots?

At work; power struggles make me laugh. I’m never surprised at the lengths people go to crush others at work. I’ve had it done to me, lost jobs down to bullying and underhand tactics, masking their jealousy.

To survive it we need to create a Teflon coat and don’t rise to any emotional triggers and before too long you can sit back and observe. Narcs eventually create their own demise, although it can take years.

To beat a narc you have to think like one. It’s exhausting.

Hear it in a sarcastic remark or put down made when someone has a new item or achievement.

You can feel it in the atmosphere as silent treatment is thrust upon.

I can detect false warmth. It has a robotic energy. There’s no radiation coming from a narc’s body. It feels cold and every move staged.

You can detect it in victims by their speech, or actions as they seek to appease and rally round not wanting to cause distress.

Victims ooze self preservation and approval.

I can pick up on a victim’s energy. If I detect nervousness around a partner my narc detector antenna picks up on wounded souls.

The dance continues until someone sets a boundary or puts up a barrier.

A narc can only survive if it’s ego is fueled. Deny it fuel and it slowly rots.

This is why they age so badly. No one tells them they are beautiful and intelligence and achievements are assumed once you get past a certain age, people die and move away and ego fuel sources dry up.

In old age, the narc is eventually left alone to rot from the inside out. As the focus of attention withers away and the glory years become a distant memory,the narc will eventually eat away at itself.

Adoration is replaced with convalesce and pity.